as God sees me

See as God sees, God sees glorious things in you.

2 of these daily devotionals from New Creation Church is about seeing ourselves as God sees us righteous, prospered, favoured and not by our current circumstances. Funny how these 2 daily devotionals were sent just one day apart despite bearing similar content. I started reading the previous devotional prior to these 2 posts thinking that God may be telling me something, the post was entitled 'what is in your hands?' and its about casting the natural things that we have i.e. Career, abilities to God and He will make them supernaturally blessed.

Yesterday as I was walking to the bus stop I was meditating on those devotionals talking to Abba about them and I felt peace, I felt secured knowing that God doesn't see me as the emotional, complaining teen that I am now but a great man of God. It was then I also re-cast my job, my worries to Abba.

I'm still in a decision making process. My uncle called me earlier and gave me some pointers on choosing another career path. He told me some facts about working life and its all gonna be tough for the initial years no matter which industry. I think its time to ask myself what I really want as God plants the desires in our hearts. I feel so blessed knowing that even though everyone has to start from the very bottom of any ladder, I have daddy God to help me up and to catch me when I fall. The world fights to stay alive, but Jesus has already fought this fight of life for us.

Truthfully, I know of some people who sees me as a pampered and rash kid. My parents spent alot of money sending me abroad to study but I haven't exactly shown them any 'results' some don't even think i can make it through. How precious it is to know that Abba sees glorious things in me.

Now as I am trusting in Abba to lead me to the right choice, I believe God is asking me to trust in Him for my current job. Regardless of whether i complete my 9 months of internship or not God is making me a blessing to my collegues, my company and regardless of what my next decision may be God sees me as a King.

choice

I prayed for a way out and now my family is giving me a way out. They don't want to force me to do something I don't like. The choice is this 'quit the job end the course and start anew' or 'continue to endeavour and get a diploma then continue with another course'

both choices bear significant circumstances yet I am blessed to have a choice. The first one sounds foolish while the second one sounds logical. I am free to choose either and given the tired and frustrated me I would most definitely choose the former while being the calm and more reasonable me i'd choose the latter.

yet God's wisdom surpasses human feelings or reason. Trust in the Lord lean not on your own understanding, in all of your ways acknowledge Him, He'll make your paths straight. I was told that Hotel Management may not be the right choice for me before i took up the course, yet God prospered me in my mistake giving me good results for my first semester and most importantly a new identity in Christ. God being the same yesterday, today and forever will no doubt prosper me again becaus i'm forever righteous in Christ, forever entitled to God's grace, favour and blessings.

considering the other option, i'm pretty sure that i don't intend to major in Hotel Management. If I were to start anew, i would have wasted my year in Switzerland as well as time and money in the process of starting anew, but Blessed i know i'll be and His grace will turn things around.

i believe both choices leads me to the same destination - my calling because I have Jesus, my guide for life. Because God and my family loves me, they'll respect my decision. As for now i can't stop work this instant, as much as i may hate my job i don't want to be branded irresponsible therefore i'm currently choosing the 2nd choice to endeavour not by my efforts but His. I'm asking God to guide me and He will by prompting me through the Holy Spirit along the way.

my bro eugene told me, in spite of all these growing pains, emotions, questions we're blessed to know that we have a constant, constant God who loves us. Abraham made the same mistake twice by saying that Sarah was his sister but God prospered him twice. Daddy never gets fed up with me.

Dates

I was browsing through photographs in my phone and i realised I have this thing about past dates (not going out with girls, the day/month/year kinda date)

Everytime I see a past date on a message, on a picture or wherever, memories relating to that date starts flowing into my mind. I don't have super good memory, I don't remember most details but some I remember, the feelings I remember.

My grandma passed away last October, and anything dating around that time would remind me of her, my memories of her, memories of myself. There are some things that I can never forget, some things I don't want to forget.

Thinking about time, I have to wonder is it worth being away from home, from my family. 9 months isn't a comparatively long time but alot of things can happen in 9 months. Ever since my grandma left, nothing is more important than being with family yet my decisions and options always seem to lead me away from home.

Today as I'm resting, I heard this in my heart. That even though its nobody's fault that I'm away from my family, God will still restore my time with my family. I fear change, I fear that changes will happen when I return home but I know God is telling me to Rest and know that He is taking care of me and my family. That when I return home i'll have a wonderful time with my family, having a closer bond with one another.

My heart still feels heavy as I write, as if my worry hasn't been lifted but God is faithful. He will do what He promised and most importantly I know God loves my family.

Life in China

7/3/07

I've been in China for a week.

I'm working in Shanghai, no, not the big metropolitan you see on the news and paper everyday. I'm a little town called She Shan in one of the districts of Shanghai. She Shan is smaller, dirtier and noisier than your average little town back home.

My apartment I share with 2 other collegues. Think of a small 2 room apartment with very minimal furniture and no renovation, leaving me with more or less a bed with four empty walls. And lets not talk about the bathroom.

Work has been tough, we're receiving banquet after banquet and even though i'm not requested to do the 'dirty work' its much tougher than your everyday 9-6 job. I had a taste of my first overtime by working from 2.00pm in the afternoon all the way till 3.00am in the morning with no other way but to take a 40 minute walk back home.

My feelings...

I'm totally worn out. I almost gave up the first day I saw the place i'd be living in for the next 9 months. Just picture this, my housemate, a native Chinese from another province in China initially couldn't even accept the fact that she'd be living in a place like this. Whatmore a foreigner like me? Un-accustomed to the culture and the living standards of the Chinese people. Even though we're the same race, yet a few generations in Malaysia and Singapore has changed us more than one would have thought. We're so alike yet so different in a way.

Turnover rate at my hotel is very high, and is always short of staff - I can see why. My questionis will I be part of the turnover before my 9 months.

With an open ticket in my bag its tempting to take a taxi to bring me back to the airport and board the next flight back home. I haven't even unpacked most of my stuff. I'm living life one day at the time. Counting the days, and so far i've only counted one week.

Sometimes I wonder why do I get myself into such situations? People say this is life, its a good opportunity to learn and grow up, many people live in much worst situations than me - I could definitely say that for the rest of my banquet collegues. But thats doesn't mean one has to go through all these crap to succeed does it?

I know this Hospitality thing is not for me. It has only brought me from one bad situation to the next. But I thank God that my calling has nothing to do with any of these. I read an NCC devotional back in Malaysia saying that we're called from our mother's womb - meaning God has a calling for us since before we were born. Its not after graduating High School only does he have a calling for us, its also not about our education. So regardless whether we chosed the right course or not we can still fulfill our calling.

I've found my new identity in Christ. Now I need to believe that i'm still God's beloved despite all these circumstances. Never once in my life have I so depended on His Grace, His Favour, His Favour.

Every morning I wake up Homesick. Just looking around my surroundings makes me wanna go home. After a long day of work I feel like i've got no home to go to. I hate this life. The reason I still wake up everyday and sleep every night is knowing that i've got God, and with God i've got hope.

I live everyday through His blessings. In these circumstances i'm still so blessed by Him. I have a wonderful housemate, some great collegues and a Human Resource Manager being my Singaporean Sister who understands my situation.

I have no idea how long can I tolerate this. I pray for a way out. I want Out.

11/7/07

Its Sunday. I'm lucky to have this weekend off. We're entitled to 2 days off per week in China but working in the Banquet Department doesn't guarantee us that luxury. Went out to Shanghai City yesterday - The Real Shanghai Metropolitan.

The difference are Heaven and Hell, Black and White, Up and Down - Total Opposite! Its easy to overcome Homesickness in Shanghai, Malaysian supermarkets (i.e. Parkson), Singaporean Restaurants (i.e. Prima Taste) are not hard to find.

Direct import products from Singapore and Malaysia are available at a higher price but nevertheless available. You have your typical electronics district, shopping districts, makan districts that are similar to our local counterparts. There are also quite a number of Malaysians and Singaporeans living in Shanghai.

Getting away from the mundane lifeless Kampung Life in SheShan did make me feel alive again. Also serving as a reminder that life in SheShan is only temporary. I can't wait to go home!

Work has been tough and its only gonna get tougher.

I'm blessed and i'm only gonna get more blessed!

God is good, i've been really down ever since I came and i've been crying out to Him. God blessed me with a Singaporean Sis - Ms. Joyce thats looks out for me, and not just so, she's even letting me stay at her apartment whenever I want. Its supposedly not allowed but she understands my situation and she doesn't mind. I'm truly blessed despite my circumstances.

Funny how God keeps using Singaporeans to bless me, first a Singaporean Church, a Singaporean Brother in Switzerland and now a Singaporean Sister in China. I find that Malaysians and Singaporeans are more than neighbours, we're family. They're some nasty Singaporeans as well as nasty Malaysians but I can't help but feel a sense of familiarity whenever i'm introduced to a Singaporean or Malaysian overseas. We're practically the same. I do have plans to work in Singapore.

My family have been supportive, they've been encouraging me to endeavour for the next 9 months and i'll try. 9 months is a long time and I don't know whats gonna happen in between. For now i'm still living a day at a time, not holding on to anything but letting God hold on to me. I give up, I don't want to strive to survive, i'll do my job and i'll leave the rest to Jesus - The Finished Work.