In the midst of Resentment, Regret, Worry and Sorrow

almost 2 weeks have passed since my grandma's passing. everyone in the family is back to their normal routine/lives and so must I. I will be leaving for Switzerland this saturday which i really dread.

Alot of things happened this month which is so not what i've thought of in my initial plan. Everything seemed to be working perfectly as i planned before this month, but then everything came crashing down - which goes to show i'm not in control. As i mentioned in my previous post,I chosed to stand firm in Jesus who loves us and will bless us for the better. even so, i can't help but feel differently about many things.

i'm starting to think of the past. I keep asking myself 'What If' questions. Like 'WHAT IF I DID NOT LEAVE FOR SWISS?' etc. would i be able to see my grandma a little longer? would i be able to spend more quality time with my grandma? And this has led me to feel Regret. Ever since i came home, i discovered how much my family and my home means to me. I realised that I would choose my family over success anyday, i realised that i do not need to be overseas or be different to be successful. I realised that i wanted to be Close To Home.

Following Regret came Resentment. I start to resent myself for choosing to go to Swiss. I'm feeling condemned thinking that i've just wasted alot of my parents' money by regretting. I resent Switzerland, i resent my school for whatever reason. Thoughts of leaving Europe as soon as possible kept going through my mind.

These feelings are partly a result of my Worries. I've been missing classes for 3 weeks. and i feel like i'm really left behind. Mid Terms is next month (next week) and i just feel so crappy. i dun feel close to anyone back at school, which ultimately makes me feel all ALONE in a school filled with people who couldn't care less about me.

At the end of it all. I'm sad. Everyone in my family may have gone back to their normal routines but everyone of us no doubt misses my grandma very much. There are times where i just miss her so much... and i know i'll be missing her even more when i'm faraway from home, from family.

Adding all these together results into a very LOST BOY. honestly i feel so lost. i do not know what i want anymore, i do not know whether is what i'm doing right or not, i feel so alone, i do not know whats gonna happen, where will i be going, at times i just feel like SHutting Down.

The only remedy i have is God. God promised never to forsake me, and that He has great plans for me. I know God is real and most importantly God loves me. I feel lost, i feel emptiness, honestly i dun even feel that close to God. but thats all insignificant because of his great love for me. I want all of you to bear witness the blessings and miracles that God will pour abundantly unto me as he takes me out from my Lost-State and Prosper me.

Loving Her Forever

My Grandma passed away October 14 2006
around 2.35pm

That would be the day I have been dreading since I was a kid. My grandma, the woman who took care of me since i was 1 day old has since then been the closest person to me. Since young i have been praying that this woman would be able to walk through life with me. I remember before Christ came into my life, i kept praying if only if only someone up there would lengthen my grandma's life by taking a few years from my life and adding it to hers. Childish huh? Then I came to know Christ, and i came to know about heaven and hell. The first person whom i thought of was my grandma, and i've been praying for her in Jesus' name ever since then.

There were some times where we had some misunderstanding due to our different religion believes, but that was because we loved each other deeply. I wanted her to recieve salvation so badly i admit i got too forceful at times, while she kept praying for me because she thought i was being too fanatical. There were prayers prayed out of love more than anything else. Eventually we managed to keep the whole religion thing aside but I kept praying for her salvation while she kept praying for my well-being.

despite of that, i loved her as a grandma every single day and she loved me so dearly. she loved everyone of us. when i was told my grandma's illness was critical, i just 'brokedown'. I kept praying and praying. then my dad gave me a call on thursday 2 weeks ago asking me to return to malaysia. the situation then was so bad my dad couldn't tell would i be able to see my grandma by the time i returned on Saturday morning. I prayed and my prayers were answered, i got to see my grandma in her best condition since she was admitted into ICU that Saturday. What's next is all in my previous post. I kept praying for Healing and i believe that she will be healed. yet somehow she wasn't. her condition got worst till the doctors had all but one more alternative which wasn't even gonna cure her. my grandma who was fighting with a weak health for years decided to go home ; and so we brought her home.

the past 2 days were i believe the hardest days me and my family had ever been through. we could only stand by her bed and watch helplessly as my grandma got weaker and weaker. the phrase Look To God had never been so real. i could do nothing but pray, i prayed in tongues, i laid hands on my grandma i did everything i could think of, and even so in the end i had to let go and just Trust In God. during my grandma's last moments, everyone whom my grandma wanted to see stood by her bed and watched her leave peacefully. while everyone was crying, i couldn't think, i couldn't do anything.. my mind was blank. i just wanted a fellow Christian to tell me what happened. i tried calling my aunt, called yong kim, but i couldn't get through and the next number was Yue Hua.

A day later, after the funeral. things are starting to get in place. me and my family are mainly okay, because we believe that my grandma had lived a good life, and it was better for her to leave than being in her current state. i was being told by my fellow christian aunts and friends to take it easy and that Jesus has the final say. I believe God loves me grandma very very much. He was clearly thinking of her when He sent Jesus to die for her. My grandma was a very nice lady and despite living a rather hard life God gave her happiness. There are many things in which i don't understand. Alot of things i prayed for didn't seem to happen, and i've got so much to ask God. yet if it wasn't God who brought such a wonderful grandma into my life i would never have felt such love, such lost. and because of that i choose to stand firm in Jesus. such a loving God wouldn't let my grandma go that easily. He would have brought her home to where she belongs and i would live the rest of my life loving that great God and my Grandma with hope that i would see my grandma again when my story here ends.

Mama, Ngo Hou Gua Jue Lei

Home

i'm home.
i came home to see my grandmother who is currently being healed by the LORD! and because my God is so good, he will not only heal my grandmother but also give her good health and ultimately Salvation.

it's not easy hearing that my grandma has kidney failure thousands of miles away, it's also not easy travelling all the for more than 14 hours back to Malaysia but i'm glad i'm home and i'm more than happy to see my grandmother. God is so good. He brought me home and i'm able to see my grandma. Better still i believe i will be able to see my grandma get healed by the power of my God. Our God is a God of miracles, Amen brothers and sisters in Christ!

some people might be worrying for me about the expenses needed to get home and back to Swiss later on or maybe even my studies, but know this, the moment i heard my grandma was in ICU because of kidney failure, everything became so insignificant ; all that mattered was God and my family. like what is written in Matthew is life not more important than those things? It also tells me not to worry because our Heavenly Father knows that i need them and that if i seek first his kingdom and learn to trust in Him, all those thinsg will eventually be mine.

I've been listening to Pastor Prince's sermons about Hope - Bible Hope. A Hope in which we can be confident in. Through the sermons that i've been listening to for the past month God told me He loved me deeply, then He told me that i am righteous in His eyes, then He made me realised how Favoured i was and how much he wants to pour out His blessings for me. And now despite all these circumstances God wants to make me lie down in green pastures while i Trust in Him.

What a Wonderful God :)