Humility

I always thought I was being humble by rejecting praises by going 'NO lah', 'Where got lah', 'Okay only lah'...

I always thought I was being humble by NOT getting into the limelight but to be behind the scenes.

I always thought I was being humble when I share my credits or acknowledgements with others.

I did NOT know I could be the most prideful person while doing so.

You could be humble by doing so sincerely, but I think humility is more than that and humility doesn't always come in times of victory but also in 'defeat'.

I realised that when most people 'fail' they tend to blame it on something or someone else ; myself included. Unconciously I blame circumstances and certain people for my mistakes. I still believe God would prosper my mistakes but when I go to Him in prayer, my heart goes something like 'Daddy God I know you can prosper my mistakes even so WHO AND WHO caused me to be in this mess.' By saying so, I'm still very much on self-effort as deep down my focus is that if those circumstances had not cause me to fall I would very well still be standing tall by my efforts.

I believe that humility leads us to admitting defeat. Not defeat for our problems but defeat in our self efforts.

I've made my decision to go home after discussing with my family, I don't want to spend 10 months hating my job and the place I live. I'm told that God would not short change me whether I stay or leave. I could go home and still be in delusion thinking that with a change of location and environment I would be able to excel better and perhaps enjoy my work more to only find myself ending up in the same situation. Or I could stop blaming the people and circumstances but to admit defeat that I'm not able to take on all these on my own but to depend on the grace of God.

Why do I still want to go back since its not the location or environment that would make things better?

Thats because if God is faithful no matter where or when I would rather be in a place where I would feel better. No doubt God could prosper me here in China or back in Malaysia. But I've chosen to spend my next 10 months back home.