Only Believe

~~ Jon ar, didn't know how i managed to skip class, end up in computer room and came past your post and read it. Let go? i don't get it, if you let go then whats gonna happen? then i don't have to care anymore? God is gonna take everything from me? i feel insecure. ~~ Yue Hua

I've been thinking of that question and the answer's pretty simple, YES. Just let go and God will take care of you, there's no need to feel insecure for Christ has paid the ultimate price, He took away the sting of Death. What have we got to lose? However, it was suprisingly hard to answer this simple answer. I wanted to confidently shout YES, but as i'm telling Yue Hua not to worry, telling her how God will deliver us by simply believing, I'm starting to feel burdened by my own problems.

It's easy to write super long posts about God's Grace when ur 'Feeling' God. Lately i've been feeling restless while resting! I feel lost, i feel so burdened, I get pissed off at myself whenever i regret. God is always faithful, God's love for us is always present, the Truth Christ has revealed to us. Only believe - so simple, yet hard. Sometimes I wonder why is it so hard for people to simply accept the Truth, it's just by believing. We complicate things by feeding on our feelings and emotions, yet REAL and PART of us our emotions are. I believe God cares about our emotions, he knows our temper, which makes me grateful that we have a God who's patient.

Even though i'm feeling differently, I could only say the same thing - simply believe. For thats the truth and our feelings are not. Our part is to choose whether we Believe in the midst of problems or not. So, Yue Hua i know it's tough for you to simply believe, it's tough for me too yet it's the only way and thank God its the Good way. God said that he came to give us life, and to give it more abundantly, so let's not live life like it's the end, His love will guide us through.

Boasting In My Weaknesses

Yesterday, i sent an email to Yue Hua. I told her about how i regret choosing this 'Career Path' and that humility is not an issue for me for i find that i have got nothing to boast about. I always hear my peers saying 'I could do this, and that' or 'Ceh, thats simple' and inside me i'm like 'walao, there's alot of things i duno leh'. I also mentioned how ironic is it that my chinese name Weng Yew (荣耀) actually means 'Glory' yet thats something i find that i'm not bringing to my God and my family. I don't find myself scoring straight A's, i'm not exactly a super star in my Primary & Secondary school years, and my 'first college year' doesn't seem to be a blast as well.

Today morning, i heard a sermon from New Creation Church's Youth Pastor - Ps Chin. It was about 'Exchanging Your Strength With Jesus' Strength' i realised how wrong i was, i've got loads to boast about, just as Paul did in 2 Corinthians, Paul boast in his weaknesses for When I Am Weak, Then I Am Strong.I'm always wondering how is it that some people just seems to be SuperStars, they have very evident talents and they seem to know what they want in life. I on the other hand have only kept asking God to show me what am i good at, to show me my pathway. I felt too dependant, i was even afraid that God would get fed up on me. I'm like this as well when it comes to having life partner, okay, i see no point hiding the fact that i want a life partner, it's my dream to have a family. I've always been praying that God provide me with the most suitable one, yet i see that some people don't even need to pray and all the girls just get attracted to them like lalat attracted to tahi. what i'm trying to say is that i feel like my entire life depends on God, i don't seem to be good at much therefore i find that i need God so much.

it's good to depend on God, however it's different to know you need to Depend on God but still depend on your own efforts. Knowing isn't enough, you have to know you need God and LET GO. Depending on our own efforts isn't just striving for that position or that girl but also succumbing to our own emotions. as i said in my last post, we may be grieved yet the joy of the Lord is forever in our hearts. We feel devastated, we feel sad, we feel discouraged when circumstances and failure fall upon us because we're looking at ourselves NOT GOD. for example when we fail our exams, we get all upset with ourselves perhaps for not working hard enough, or discouraged thinking that we're not Smart enough. letting go means knowing its no longer about us, it's looking at God, when you seek God you will know that God isn't about your grades, God isn't about your Intellect, God is about YOU. the things you get out of your trials and circumstances are so much BIGGER than the problem itself. little do we realize how small significant things of man's standard can be when it comes to God. People say at this day and age you don't get a Degree you can never get a job, a degree may be important but a Degree doesn't last, YOU DO.

Ps Chin was telling us how he failed to get the girls he wanted back in his teenage days, and all the trials he had to go through be it in Relationship, Studies or Career. I believe all of us could relate to him, and he became what he is today simply because of God's Favour not on his own efforts. If he would have had the girl he wanted back then or if he would have been super smart and scored straight A's back then he would not have known what it means to let go and depend on God. He wouldn't be where and most importantly HOW he is today!

Ps Chin shared the story about Jacob wrestling with God in Genesis 32: 22-31. Jacob was a man who depended on his own efforts, he got his father's blessing by decieving his father, one night Jacob was left alone with God, and he Wrestled with God till daybreak. Jacob just didn't wanna let go and let God, in turn God touched the socket of Jacob's hip so that his rip was wrenched. What this means is that there are times and there are some people who are so confident over their own efforts, they find no need to depend on God because everything seem to be so in place for them. The hip that God wrenched represents Strength, after God wrenched Jacob's hip Jacob was limping and he had to depend on God from then on. Sometimes we wonder why doesn't God give me this talent or this ability that's because God wants us to depend on Him rather than to be self sufficient.

but the point here is not that God holds back things from us, God wants us to seek Him and when we do, the floodgates of heaven would pour out and you would be so blessed you can't help but shine God's Glory. if anyone out there who's 'fearful' of their studies, in doubt of their abilities, uncertain about the future, Welcome To The Club! the good news is that God loves 'Losers by World Standards'. our weaknesses are all but a blessing in disguise and when we Let Go and Let God, God will bless us abundantly with good things, not because we deserve it, but because He Loves Us. I haven't been a 'superstar' in my school years i seem to be suffering through my first college year, yet it's all but temporary, God has a wonderful future planned for me, now that i know its all Him, i need not worry and i'm rest assured that my Future will be a Hopeful and Blessed Future.

(just so u ppl know, i still wanna leave Switzerland ASAP, i'm still uncertain about alot of things, there's still alot of question and confusion but i just wanna share this post with you guys so that we could Let Go and Let God together, we could learn how to be grateful and praise God in our circumstances and ultimately God Glory be manifested upon us!)

Of Joy and Happiness

woke up early this morning thinking i had class, found out the only class i had today was at 4pm.

since i'm awake i went to check my mail and soon found my way to my blog. I read every single post i made since July 06, i always thought not many people viewed my blog and that blogging seemed kinda like a waste of time, yet i'm glad i blogged. all the thoughts and memories while writing those old posts came back to me. Even if no one reads my blog i would continue posting, my posts are my REAL thoughts and FEELINGS, by posting them i'm celebrating my 'joys' and sorrows. It reminds me how much God has led me through my life, how much I am in need of God and ultimately it makes me cry out 'How Great Is My God'.

clearly i've not been very happy for a very long time, it feels like i've not found very much to be happy about, add in my grandma's passing and how much I regret being in Switzerland I'm at the verge of breaking down. Few days back I felt so bad I didn't know what to do, I was feeling very Sad yet more than ever I feel close to God. I knew God was there for me, and I was reminded of His promises but i'm still 'grieved'. I was worried that there's something wrong in my walk with God, some part of it wasn't right. If non believers can run around the halls talking and laughing why am I at a corner crying out to God in my sorrows?

It was then my bro in Christ Eugene told me that there's a difference between Happiness and Joy. Happiness, something which everyone seems to be seeking may be more temporal than we thought. Happiness comes for example when we get something we want, we feel happy the moment we get what we want but it doesn't last. Joy on the other hand is getting what we really need, and long after happiness fades away Joy prevails.

Things haven't been going the way I want them to. I do not want to be in Switzerland, I want to be back home, I want to be with my friends and family, I want to see my grandma again. However on the other hand, I am Getting What I NEED. Jesus is in my life, more REAL than ever, I am falling in Love with Him everday and given reasons to Praise Him in my circumstances. I may not have what i want, but i have what i need ; in turn i have an everlasting Joy in me whenever and wherever I am.

In the book ~~Touch Points of Hope~~ given to me by my aunt, i found this in the chapter regarding Joy.
DOES GOD PROMISE ME HAPPINESS?
James 1:2 Whenever trouble comes your way, let it be an opportunity for joy.
Explanation : God does not promise temporary happiness; in fact the Bible assumes problems will come your way. But God does promise lasting joy for all those who believe in Him. This kind of joy stays with you despite your problems. You can have lasting joy even if you don't have temporary happiness.

In the midst of Sorrow and Grieve, as we regret our past choices and mistakes, as the world judge us for who we are...

we know joy comes in the morning, we know God is there to bring us back to Him, we know God sees us in prefection through Jesus...

We have Joy through the Son Of God, saved by His mercy found in His grace,
Hear us sing HALLELUJAH!

Lost In Switzerland

3rd day back in Swiss and i'm still feeling down and low.
I have loads to catch up and whoopdedoo Mid Term is so conveniently placed on the next day after my arrival. But thats not what's bothering me, I can cope with that, I just can't stand being 6000 miles away from home.

I would like to point out my lovely cousin Michelle's post 'Of Choices and Mistakes'.
let me quote her post

~~Life is never fair. Full of choices and full of nonsenses. We have to make ht best choice and truthfully that particular choice may not be the best choice for us but yet at that very moment, that seems like the only best choice in your eyes.~~

okay, i've got no idea what choice or what she's actually refering to but she put into words what part of me is feeling.

I'm feeling so crappy in Switzerland and who is there to blame? - Myself.

It's a choice I made to come to Switzerland. I came here by MY own will WITH my parents' money, and a huge sum of money I may add. And i've been regretting that choice I made ever since i came back after my grandma's passing. I know even if i stayed back in Malaysia I couldn't have changed anything. However I would be able to spend more time with her before she left, it would have meant very much to me. Life offers us alot of choices, and like my cousin said we have to make the best choice but that particular choice may not be the best choice for us.

It's a privilege given the chance to study in Swiss, ideally it gives you exporsure, experience and possibly good a career after graduation. However, if given me the choice to choose again I would choose to be close to home. It sounds shortsighted, and foolish but hey, I would have saved myself from alot of Regrets and Emotions. As I was on the plane back to Switzerland the other day i've never felt so Lost before. My heart longs for home yet i'm forcing myself to go back to Switzerland. I kept questioning myself what am I doing, what was I thinking... Everyone says its only for a while, just a few years, it'll pass very fast. but things can change in a month, whatmore years? i don't want to keep sacrificing for an unforseen future which may never come, because you may keep working and sacrificing for that 'Future' which may be more abstract than you think.

I know i'm already here and i should complete my course. I will. my parents did not pay for nothing but i've learnt not to decide on my own. the next time i'll let He who knows my Future decide my Future.