In the midst of Resentment, Regret, Worry and Sorrow
almost 2 weeks have passed since my grandma's passing. everyone in the family is back to their normal routine/lives and so must I. I will be leaving for Switzerland this saturday which i really dread.
Alot of things happened this month which is so not what i've thought of in my initial plan. Everything seemed to be working perfectly as i planned before this month, but then everything came crashing down - which goes to show i'm not in control. As i mentioned in my previous post,I chosed to stand firm in Jesus who loves us and will bless us for the better. even so, i can't help but feel differently about many things.
i'm starting to think of the past. I keep asking myself 'What If' questions. Like 'WHAT IF I DID NOT LEAVE FOR SWISS?' etc. would i be able to see my grandma a little longer? would i be able to spend more quality time with my grandma? And this has led me to feel Regret. Ever since i came home, i discovered how much my family and my home means to me. I realised that I would choose my family over success anyday, i realised that i do not need to be overseas or be different to be successful. I realised that i wanted to be Close To Home.
Following Regret came Resentment. I start to resent myself for choosing to go to Swiss. I'm feeling condemned thinking that i've just wasted alot of my parents' money by regretting. I resent Switzerland, i resent my school for whatever reason. Thoughts of leaving Europe as soon as possible kept going through my mind.
These feelings are partly a result of my Worries. I've been missing classes for 3 weeks. and i feel like i'm really left behind. Mid Terms is next month (next week) and i just feel so crappy. i dun feel close to anyone back at school, which ultimately makes me feel all ALONE in a school filled with people who couldn't care less about me.
At the end of it all. I'm sad. Everyone in my family may have gone back to their normal routines but everyone of us no doubt misses my grandma very much. There are times where i just miss her so much... and i know i'll be missing her even more when i'm faraway from home, from family.
Adding all these together results into a very LOST BOY. honestly i feel so lost. i do not know what i want anymore, i do not know whether is what i'm doing right or not, i feel so alone, i do not know whats gonna happen, where will i be going, at times i just feel like SHutting Down.
The only remedy i have is God. God promised never to forsake me, and that He has great plans for me. I know God is real and most importantly God loves me. I feel lost, i feel emptiness, honestly i dun even feel that close to God. but thats all insignificant because of his great love for me. I want all of you to bear witness the blessings and miracles that God will pour abundantly unto me as he takes me out from my Lost-State and Prosper me.
Alot of things happened this month which is so not what i've thought of in my initial plan. Everything seemed to be working perfectly as i planned before this month, but then everything came crashing down - which goes to show i'm not in control. As i mentioned in my previous post,I chosed to stand firm in Jesus who loves us and will bless us for the better. even so, i can't help but feel differently about many things.
i'm starting to think of the past. I keep asking myself 'What If' questions. Like 'WHAT IF I DID NOT LEAVE FOR SWISS?' etc. would i be able to see my grandma a little longer? would i be able to spend more quality time with my grandma? And this has led me to feel Regret. Ever since i came home, i discovered how much my family and my home means to me. I realised that I would choose my family over success anyday, i realised that i do not need to be overseas or be different to be successful. I realised that i wanted to be Close To Home.
Following Regret came Resentment. I start to resent myself for choosing to go to Swiss. I'm feeling condemned thinking that i've just wasted alot of my parents' money by regretting. I resent Switzerland, i resent my school for whatever reason. Thoughts of leaving Europe as soon as possible kept going through my mind.
These feelings are partly a result of my Worries. I've been missing classes for 3 weeks. and i feel like i'm really left behind. Mid Terms is next month (next week) and i just feel so crappy. i dun feel close to anyone back at school, which ultimately makes me feel all ALONE in a school filled with people who couldn't care less about me.
At the end of it all. I'm sad. Everyone in my family may have gone back to their normal routines but everyone of us no doubt misses my grandma very much. There are times where i just miss her so much... and i know i'll be missing her even more when i'm faraway from home, from family.
Adding all these together results into a very LOST BOY. honestly i feel so lost. i do not know what i want anymore, i do not know whether is what i'm doing right or not, i feel so alone, i do not know whats gonna happen, where will i be going, at times i just feel like SHutting Down.
The only remedy i have is God. God promised never to forsake me, and that He has great plans for me. I know God is real and most importantly God loves me. I feel lost, i feel emptiness, honestly i dun even feel that close to God. but thats all insignificant because of his great love for me. I want all of you to bear witness the blessings and miracles that God will pour abundantly unto me as he takes me out from my Lost-State and Prosper me.
posted by Jonathan Wan at
11:01 PM
2 Comments:
yes, u may have feelings of regret, resentment, worries and sadness right now... but dun let all these things bring u down, man... The devil is trying to bring u down...He is tryin' to inject these thoughts into ur mind so that u will feel lost or useless at the moment... At this point, there is nothing u can do but to rest and find God's grace, which I'm glad that u had already done.... Continue to seek the Lord as His name is above every name and circumstance...
P/S : I know talk is easy, but I really hope that u will overcome the tough times that u're goin though right now... God bless...
By
Anonymous, at 1:23 AM
Dear Jonathan, I would like to dedicate this song to you…. And it goes like this :-
FIX YOU
When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
High up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
If you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I...
Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from the mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I...
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
By
Anonymous, at 1:32 AM
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