Voices In My Head: Bring Me There Abba...

I haven't been calling home that often this semester as it has been hectic for the past month, besides everyone seems to be busy doing something.

During the times that I do call back, I tend to get really frustrated and just worn out.

Its not my family that i'm frustrated with, i'm frustrated with the 'little things'.

Whenever I call home, I just let go everything on my chest. I start talking about the little things that have been bothering me, the little things that were hastily swept under my mental carpet to make place for the 'important stuff' - reports, exams, school work. I talk about my studies, I talk about wanting to do my next internship in Singapore and how hard is it to get an internship in Singapore, I complain about how absurd this school can get at times. More often than not, i'm also greeted with not-so-good news about my grandfather. He's condition is okay, but he's attitude sure isn't. My aunt tells me how hard and demanding my grandfather can become, he just doesn't listen. I pity my maid, its really not easy taking care of my grandfather. On the other hand I pity my grandfather for being in such a condition. To add to all that, I'm also very well aware that both my parents are working incredibly hard for superiors who aren't exactly the nicest people on earth.

Being the only Christian in my family, I tend to take it as my responsibility to pray for my family. Its also quite hard being the only one who's believing that things will get better.

In other words, I'm carrying my own baggage plus the weight of my family's baggage on my shoulders. No wonder I feel worn out.

Its so easy to unconsciously get into self-effort. By ignoring the seemingly insignificant little things, they are eating me inside out. I listen to sermons and I feel much better, much more at peace. Still, I tend to get back into self-effort every now and then. I feel really tired being the only person believing that things are gonna get better.

I keep reminding myself that God is faithful, things will change, but truthfully i'm hoping that I have others who could do it with me, someone to support me. At times I just wish I had a care group that could hear me out and share my problems with, I wish I had a leader who could provide me with advice and guidance, leading me to see the better picture.

Somehow its in my nature to look up to older 'brothers'. I'm easily influenced by the 'big bros' I look up to, be it into doing 'right' things or 'wrong' things. I want to be around people who could edify me, who could help me in my walk with Daddy God. I'm grateful for my close group of friends back home, Sinagpore or in Aussie who blesses me all the time, but typing an email is quite different than actually speaking out my cares and worries.

Whenever I listen to Campus sermons I picture myself being there, being part of the laughing crowd, being part of the blessed crowd shouting Amens in my heart. I go to New Creation's website and look at Arrow services and caregroups wishing I was in one of them. I read blogs about Arrow services, camps and I just tell Daddy God I wanna be there.